When our mums and dads were growing up, divorce and separation was rare and children whose parents didn't live together were few and far between. But now in the 21st Century it's actually not that unusual - in fact you're probably more normal than not.
Recent statistics show that between a half and a third of young people in the UK are likely to experience life in a single parent family at some stage. That's a lot of young people not only coping with the every day stresses of growing up, but also the trauma of seeing your parents separate and then having to deal with the inevitable consequences of separation or divorce, like shared contact or not seeing one parent.
It's a lot to deal with when you're young. So how do children and young people do it? And what do they really think about the situation they've found themselves in?
All of the young people we interviewed were not directly involved in the decision making around where they would live when their parents separated. All of them were now living with only one parent, but most of them had frequent visits with the other parent. Here are their stories:
Ginisha's story:
Fourteen-year-old Ginisha from South London was very young when her parents separated. She's been living with her Mum ever since:
"It was about two years after I was born and it was because my Dad was being abusive towards my Mum. He had a drinking problem and they kept getting back together again because my mum thought it would be better if we had a dad in our lives but he kept on doing it again, so they separated. When we came to England they got back together again but after a year, he got back to doing what he did and so they separated again. They're not together now."
Ginisha didn't have much say about where she would live when her parents separated for the final time, nor did the courts. But she says she's very happy with the decision that was made:
"I live with my mum and my dad visits when he can. I don't really visit him. I get on better with my mum than I do my dad because he doesn't really treat me appropriately.
When he comes to my house and visits us, we are quite close but sometimes he's in different moods and he acts however he wants towards me and I don't really like that. The tone in his voice also shows me he doesn't really like me much. He says I should have respect for him but he doesn't have respect for me and I think it should work both ways."
Even though Ginisha says it really hurts her when her father behaves this way on the occasions he does visit her, she says she's happier now because when she was younger and her parents lived together, they fought:
"There wasn't a lot of fights but the ones that did happen, I can remember. It showed me how my dad was towards my mum."
Unlike some young people who live with one parent but visit the other, Ginisha doesn't have to travel far because her dad lives close by. But she says it can be difficult dividing time between parents:
"Sometimes my mum says things and my dad doesn't agree with it but I know what she says is right, so I just listen to what she says. Sometimes he says bad things about her but I keep it to myself because I don't want her to get hurt. I don't really miss my dad because the way he treats me is not right but if he gave me a chance to spend more time with him, it might work out."
Whilst Ginisha says it's hard dividing time between her parents, she clearly would like to spend more time with him and acknowledges that its best for a young person to be able to spend time with both parents:
"It's good to have shared contact because if a child lives with only one parent throughout their lives, and they don't see the other parent they may end up hating them because they'll place all of their anger on them."
And what advice would Ginisha give other young people in a similar situation:
"I'd also say it's important for young people to have a say in the arrangements and for adults to listen carefully to their views because it's really important. Their lives are at stake and if you don't share the arrangements equally, or as your child feels you should, then you'll just end up hurting the child. The child might want to spend time with both parents but if they don't like each other, it will be harder."
Sabrina's Story
Sabrina was 10-years-old when her parents separated:
"There were no arguments to speak of," says Sabrina, who is now 14, as she remembers back. "There was and still is, nothing around us to upset us," she adds.
Sabrina acknowledges that it's not been easy but despite the difficulties, she's happy with her situation now:
"Of course it can get a little distressing without both parents in the same house but I don't blame either of them for what has happened. My relationship has got much better with both of them. Seeing my dad is easy as he lives nearby and my parents are very civilised towards one another."
Luckily there are now quite a few resources and support services open to young people whose parents have separated or divorced.
One of them is Gingerbread, which is a support organisation for lone parent families in England and Wales. Gingerbread runs a teens project, which aims to increase confidence in young people who are in lone parent families, as well as helping them to be more aware of choices in life and encourage school attendance and taking part in youth projects.
"Gingerbread has helped me in so many ways after the upset of my parents separating," says Sabrina.
"I now know that I'm not the only one in this situation and that itself has helped me so much."
Scott's story:
Scott, 16, is another teenager from a lone parent family. He lives with his mother in Belfast in Northern Ireland but he still sees his dad.
"It was strange when my parents got divorced. For the first 11 years of my life, I was used to having these people around and then suddenly one of them just disappears. Because you're so young, you never understand what exactly is going on."
He remembers that his father was always very busy and spent very little time with the family:
"My dad is a chef and has a very stressful job. Because of his job…we sometimes only saw each other a few hours a day. But that isn't to say I wasn't absolutely and utterly devastated when he left."
Scott's dad is still really busy with work but he enjoys seeing him and says he misses him when he's not around:
"It's difficult because I do get along with my dad better than I get along with my mum. But don't get me wrong, my mum's done an absolutely fantastic job."
Scott adds that a lot of mothers are more than capable of bringing up children on their own but he thinks it is really important to have two parents:
"The child has that want for this person in their life…As a male you always look up to your father for that role model in life."
"When I was younger, I had this insatiable want for that someone in my life to look up to, and even now, I still like the idea of having my own father back".
Jade's Story:
Jade is 13-years-old and lives in London. She's never properly spoken to her father and says this has not had much of an affect on her life:
"As my dad left when I was two, it didn't really bother me. How could it? I barely knew him".
Jade's father has never been in contact with her after failing to turn up to the custody battle in court. But she's not angry and says:
"It made it easier for my mum and I actually. The first time [at court] he came across quite well and the jury felt sorry for him, but the second time, he didn't even show up".
Jade remains strong about her own situation, but suggests;
"Children need to be listened to. Their parents shouldn't be doing all the decision making. Just say what you feel and make sure that you're voice is being heard".
Conclusion:
Many young people all over the UK have no other option but to deal with the issues that arise as a result of broken families. More often than not, this means living with one parent and only getting to see the other parent on weekends or sometimes even less frequently. But the young people we spoke to had all learned to deal with things the best they could and most felt happy or at least understood the decisions that had been made by their parents on their behalf.
---if you would like more information about coping with family break up then take a look at it's not your fault - a charity dedicated to helping children whose parents are splitting up.---
About the team
This story was produced by Rhona Ezuma 15, Charlotte Lytton, 14 and Modja Hashermyan, 16. It was published by Magistrate magazine.
