With one in eight children likely to grow up in a stepfamily and one in three marriages each year being a remarriage, stepfamilies are becoming the norm. Children's Express teams investigated how young people react to major changes in their lives in this presentation for the National Stepfamilies Association. All names have been changed.
This is 15-year-old Kirsty’s story in her own words. Her family set up is complicated:
| My dad never actually told me he had a girlfriend. One day she was just there. |
I live with both parents: my mum, stepdad and half brother on Tuesday, Thursday and alternate weekends, and my dad, stepmum and normal brother on Mondays, Wednesdays and other weekends. I call both my stepparents by their names rather than mum or dad, but not because I don't see them as parents. We're almost as close as parents. It's like having two mums and two dads.
When I was eight, nine and ten, I got on really well with my dad and argued with my mum continuously because I blamed my mum for the break up. We never said anything nice to each other for about two years. Now we've talked about everything, I get on really well with my mum and dad and I feel close to both of them.
At my mum's house, I'm the oldest, I've got a three-year-old brother and so I have to look after people. Whereas at my dad's house I'm like an only child with only myself to look after.
When my mum and dad split up, my mum said, 'Your dad and I don't love each other any more.' I always suspected it. Then there was this man called Rob helping us look for a new house; 'a friend', mum said. Later, he moved in.
Kirsty's parents kept their new relationships secret from her until they were firmly established.
My dad never actually told me he had a girlfriend. One day she was just there. My dad, his girlfriend Tracy, and me went out to dinner. That night, when I got home, I told my mum and she went mad. She phoned my dad and screamed at him. She phoned Tracy and screamed at her.
Kirsty was stuck in the middle. She felt her parents used her to gather information about each other and often reacted unreasonably.
When I first met my step mum, we got on really well. I never disliked her. At eight I couldn't talk to my mum and I didn't always want to talk to my dad. Tracy was a mother figure. We were really close.
However, this new-found friendship had its own problems. Kirsty felt guilty for liking her new stepmum because she thought her mum would be upset.
When I met my stepdad he was really nice, like a friend, but I never liked him as much as my stepmum. At first, I thought he was trying to make me like him. Now I'm close to both of them.
Kirsty suddenly had a new role in her parents' relationship.
I was expected to pass messages between them when they weren't talking.
She sees advantages and disadvantages in having four parents.
I love having loads of parents but I hate it when I have to try and get them to agree to let me do something.
These are 16-year-old Mark’s experiences.
I haven't seen my dad for a year and a half. If I was to see him, I'd probably give him trouble for not speaking to us for ages.
He gets on well with his mum's boyfriend, Tony, but sees him as just that.
He's a father figure but he's never going to be my dad. When I first met him, we went to the park and he was creeping to us. He took us to dinner and I thought he's just trying to keep us happy. A good thing is, Tony lets me do stuff that my real dad wouldn't let me do.
Kids frequently feel ambivalent about where they stand in their new family set-ups.
Theyre also aware that very often parents think theyre making the transition easier by withholding information about changing relationships. Joanne, 13, believes they should think again.
We went to his flat each week. One time I saw a vase. I said, 'That's nice. Where's it from?' and he goes, 'Oh, someone at work lent it to me.' It was the same with the new TV. Then there were women's shoes under the bed.
Joanne felt she had to play detective to stay in control. However, the results of her investigation made her feel angry and upset.
Dad walked out of the room, once, and I saw this envelope so I opened it. It was a marriage certificate. He'd married Diane the day after my birthday and I was never invited to the wedding.
She makes her attitude towards her stepmother's role made known loud and clear.
I call my dad's wife Diane - because she's not my mum.
And shes not averse to making good use of her mothers boyfriends eagerness to be accepted.
My mum has a special friend she sees twice a week. He takes us everywhere. He's our own private taxi service.
Adults may think this sort of behaviour is manipulative, and they may not like it, but it can seem like the only response kids have at their disposal when they feel their needs are overlooked. Upset too many times by her fathers neglect, Joanne finally voted with her feet.
When I was seven, my dad used to take me somewhere every Wednesday. Then I decided I didn't really like him that much, so now I only see him once every three weeks.
Vanessa says being able to choose how to address stepparents is important.
My stepparents aren't really my stepparents because they're not married to my actual parents. I call my dad's girlfriend, Janet, and my mum's boyfriend, Pete, because that's their names.
She says the way stepfamilies talk about children can make all the difference to whether they feel included or excluded from the rest of the family.
We went to my mum's boyfriend's house and he's got three children. He introduced me by saying, 'This is the daughter of the woman I'm going to marry. That's not a very good way to find out about them getting married.
Young people need to be consulted and kept informed about important family decisions to avoid resentment and mistrust setting in.
My mum was really secretive but I worked out what was happening. When my stepsister and I got talking we realised nobody had been truthful with us. We had to confront them.
At 16, Naomi had already experienced massive change in her life.
She's got firm opinions on how young people should be consulted when dealing with changes that will directly affect them.
Children should always play a major role when it comes to decision-making within a household. If parents don't consult their children or at least just tell them, the children are going to be confused.
She has taken steps to make sure that she is more included.
Were moving soon and Im playing an active role in that. All the letters written to the council go through me. Theres no point us being a family and not acting as one not working together.
Naomi told us about the major changes young people perceive and how they feel about them.
I can have sex now. I can get married, leave school, soon Ill be able to vote. The second I turned 16 my mum was like, Where are you going? Who are you going with? Are you sure youre not going somewhere else? I feel like saying, No mum, Im not going out to have sex tonight.
16 is the age of change. Every young person gets uglier or prettier, fatter or thinner. Everybody changes so much. Physically, emotionally and mentally.
Sad changes such as a death in the family change the family home forever.
The biggest change in my life was when my father died. I was eight or nine and it was a huge event in the household. My big brother suddenly got more authority - he was able to tell me what to do - and my mum became a bit softer. I always think one day Ill come back and therell be a new man sitting in the living room.
She is aware adults can feel bewildered by the transitions she herself is making.
Theres certain things parents cant exactly talk to you about, like money and finances. In my family, I'm the one that's changing the most and everybody else is staying the same. My mum's changing a bit; she's getting more wary that yes her lovely little daughter, her sweet cherry pie, her apple blossom is starting to learn about boys.
But parents dont always talk to their children before making major decisions
And some young people resent it when theyre not given a chance to have their say.
Charlie, 10, already knows the impact of change within the family:
Ive just moved house. It was my parents choice. Its a massive change. Me and my sister found it quite difficult because were used to our old rooms and knowing where everything is. But its alright because were settled now.
15 year-old Paul found GCSE studies had an impact on his home life.
Ive got no time on my hands. Im always working. I dont spend any time with my family.
Paul believes that though adults should consult you, the ultimate decision rests with parents.
Kids dont have any real choice. Parents can just bundle them up in a second and take them to a new house. They should tell you whats happening but if you dont like it they can still do it anyway.
15-year-old Jade loves it when her mum gives her a valid choice.
When I was living in Birmingham, my mum asked me whether I wanted to move and live in London, which was great.
But she has to accept that when it comes to issues like holidays her mum will have the final say.
I tell my mum where I want to go but it doesnt really have any effect. If she wants to go somewhere, we go there. Theres nothing I can do about it.
Clara, 12, appreciates it when she's consulted and wouldn't put up with anything less.
When we go on holiday, we all plan it together as a family. When I said I didnt want to go to one school, my dad said, But thats a really good school. I said, I dont think Id fit in there and he was OK with that.
To sum up, here are three key messages we got out of our story research around the themes of stepfamilies and change:
- Young people want a say in their family set-ups but often feel they aren't consulted until it's too late.
- While some young people are kept out of family changes and decisions, others are involved but in ways that make them feel uncomfortable.
- Adults need to manage change and consider everyone who might be affected and not just think of their own pain.
About the team
This presentation was given by Stuart Fletcher, Senab Adekunle and Chris Ainoo, all 16, Henrietta Norton and Aminah Carter, 15, who are all editors, as well as Kierra Box and Rachel Kellet, both 13, Katherine Faulkner, 12, and Bryony Hope, 10, who are all reporters. It was presented in partnership with the NSFA (National Stepfamilies Association).
