Young journalists from Children's Express spoke to three teenage girls who tried to take the ultimate way out. Belinda, Carol-Anne and Bianca (their names have been changed to protect them) all attempted suicide. What pressures drove them to communicate their despair in this way?
Mum caught me smoking I couldnt face Dad
| You know how you pop sweets like smarties in your mouth? It was just like that. |
Belinda, 17, was a pupil at a north London convent school and is now in her first year at college. At 13, she swallowed 23 paracetamol tablets, permanently damaging her liver.
Belinda finds it easier to describe the events than explain the emotions behind them. "Mum found out I was smoking, she told Childrens Express. She said she was going to tell my dad, because I have asthma and it was the fifth time she had caught me.
That night they went to bingo and she told me she would tell him when they came home. I thought he would kill me. I didn't plan it. I just took the tablets and ended up in hospital. They pumped my stomach and gave me this brown medicine. I threw it all back up.
"When I was in hospital I thought I was dead. I was unconscious and I thought I didn't have to worry anymore. But then I woke up and found it was only the next day. The doctors and nurses weren't at all sympathetic and I thought I might end up in a loony bin if I didn't calm down. In the end, Dad didnt even say anything about my smoking.
"I had to see a psychiatrist for just over two years. She really did help me and I've changed a lot. I send her a letter now and again but I still sometimes sit and think if I had died I would have been better off. I have more problems than ever, but it doesn't make me want to take another overdose. I can see suicide is a coward's way out.
"Now I'd rather be in pain than swallow a tablet. I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm not ashamed of it either."
I took 48 tablets and lay down to die
Carol-Anne, a former school-mate of Belinda, tried to kill herself two years ago with an overdose of paracetamol and morphine.
"Some of my school friends were pretty cool about it - Belinda in particular, because she'd done it herself. She knew what I was going through. Other people thought I was a prick.
Carol-Anne, now 17, from Hackney, north London, waited until her parents had gone shopping. What many adults would consider average teenage worries had accelerated into something she could no longer control.
"I'd had enough that year. I was depressed about everything - about myself, about not having a boyfriend, about my family," she said. "I started counting the tablets, and I crushed some of them up and got some more. All in all, I think I took about 48. I also took morphine."
Carol-Anne fell asleep, expecting to die before her mother came home, but her sister woke her and she went out, becoming increasingly disoriented and ill. But she managed to keep the truth from her family and seemed determined to die. "I went to Kentish Town drugged up to my eyes. I started throwing up everywhere and I eventually was paralysed from the waist down. I couldn't move.
Paracetamol overdoses can take up to four days to kill. Carol-Anne made it through the next day and was taken to hospital that evening after finally confessing. She never considered the pain she would feel or the brain damage she was risking if she survived.
"I was on the bed, with the doctor prodding my stomach and me screaming in pain. The paracetamol destroys your liver.
Your liver inflames and when you move it's like someone digging you with a knife.
Carol-Anne had no idea how her action would affect her family and friends: My mum just started blaming herself, she said. My dad doesnt say much about it, but my brother changed towards me. We get on better now.
Pride, anger or fear make it difficult for young people contemplating suicide to seek help, says Carol-Anne. Communication is a big problem, because they dont know who to talk to. They need a parent or friend to find out what their problem is and try to help them work it out.
Teachers said we had to well in exams
Bianca, 16, is in fifth year at a secondary school in Hertfordshire. When she was fourteen she attempted to kill herself at school by swallowing 24 Ibuprofen tablets. "I was a bit depressed and I was having a lot of exam pressure. Our head of year told us we had to do well in our exams because the marks were going towards our references. I found out later this didn't happen.
Bianca had been prescribed Ibuprofen three days before. During lunch period at school, she suddenly realised the power in the pill bottle. She was meant to take two with her meal.
"I went into the loos, and I poured the whole bottle out on my skirt, and I counted them. You know how you pop sweets like smarties in your mouth? It was just like that."
By the end of her first afternoon lesson, Bianca had taken eight pills. She was eventually found by a teacher and taken to hospital after swallowing a further 16.
"I stayed there for four days. I felt pretty stupid - all your friends come and see you and you're lying there with a drip on. My friends were upset and I don't think my parents realised that I was feeling that bad.
I could see a change in them. They discussed how they could change things at home to suit me," said Bianca, "Now I've got more independence.
I could also see a change in my friends, too, but because I did it at school I still hear jokes about it.
"I did what I did because that was the way I was feeling at the time, Bianca said. It's been over a year now and I've done so much in that time - it is hard to imagine."
"If I had really wanted to die at the time I would have refused to go on a drip."
About the team
This roundtable was led by Tara Glynn, 17, assisted by Julia Press, 16. Reporters were Amina Kibria, 14, Reshme Begum, 13, Majida Khatun, 14, Sonia Dance, 14, and Toni Jennings, 13.
